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So you're wondering what all the hype is about this southern belle thing? Maybe you've met a southern belle. Maybe you 'are' a southern belle! Just what is a real southern belle made of? Read on...
 
 
 
Proper Southern Belles...
*What they do NOT do*
 
1. Never blow their nose in public.
 
2. Do not 'pass gas' in public. (Well yes, they really do, but they look at the person next to them in shock and smile coyly)
 
3. Never wear white shoes or carry white handbags before Easter or after Labor Day.
 
4. Never chase after a man... they connive a man into chasing 'them'. Then act totally surprised when 'caught'.
 
5. Do not call men on the telephone. 
 
6. Never eat large amounts in public... they only nibble and say that they aren't hungry. (A southern belle will eat before a date, then again afterwards! It's not until the 'date' is of a fiance status that a southern belle orders everything on the menu!
 
7.  Absolutely NEVER sleep with a man on a first date! (they get up and go home to do their sleeping!) A true southern belle never lets the man she's after see her first thing in the morning until she's 'got' him.
 
8. Never sweat.
 
9. Never get nervous or anxious... They're the picture of calm and control.
 
10. Never cuss above a whisper where others might hear them. They use phrases like... 'oh my gosh', 'darn', and 'shoot'.
 
11. Never have a gray hair until they're darn ready to have one!
 
 
 
Proper Southern Belles...
*What they DO*
 
1. Do get the man they want!
 
2. Know the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
 
3. Are extraordinary hostesses.
 
4. Always look thier best! Never a bad hair day or never without the perfect thing to wear.
 
5. Can walk in heels like they're floating on air.
 
6. Are always a bit mysterious.
 
7. Are witty and charming.
 
8. Throw the best parties.
 
9. Are the greatest cooks.
 
10. Have style!
 
 

Still you're wondering??? Not quite sure you've got it???
 
  Scenario
 
Ok, here's the scene... A nice southern belle enters the bank (We'll call this southern belle, Lilly Ann). It's a hot summer day and Lilly Ann looks absolutely fabulous in a ankle length silk skirt and matching blouse of peach. Her white shoes click on the shiny slate floor of the bank and her neat little matching white purse hangs delicately from her wrist. Lilly Ann moves into the shortest line of two to await to make her transaction. She smiles sweetly at the gentleman to her left in the next line. She nods politely to the lady in the line to her right. Patiently Lilly Ann waits her turn... When suddenly a man steps into the line directly in front of her. Thus the dialogue from a proper southern belle...
 
Lilly Ann: Excuse me sir, but I do believe you have broken in line.
 
Man: Oh, I was here only moments ago. I stepped out of line to get a deposit slip.
 
Lilly Ann: True as that may be sir, you will have to return to the back of the line.
 
Man: But mam' as I told you, this was my place in line.
 
Lilly Ann: But sir, as I stated, true as that may be you will absolutely have to return to the end of this line!
 
Man: I have no intention of returning....
 
Lilly Ann: *interrupting* Oh yes sir, I can absolutely assure you that you WILL return to the end of this line and you will return immediately! Just who do you think you are to so rudely intrude into this line ahead of me and the nice people behind me *several people now behind Lilly Ann* Do you dare to think that my time is less important than yours, and that you have the right to just break in line and further delay my transaction. MY time is just as important, if not more so, than yours sir! You have some more nerve to possibly think that you can break ahead of me and get away with it! Why the audacity of you revolts me. Obviously your mother never taught you any manners! You sir are the epitomy of a mangy dog running loose on main street that urinates on bushes in plain view! You have no manners, are obviously suffering from some kind of delusional state of selfishness that borders on insanity and you are without a doubt getting on my last nerve! Sir, excuse yourself to the end of this line immediately! *sweet smile* And have a good day sir!
 
Man: *Smiles back, shrugs and goes to the end of the line* You have a great day too 'mam'!
 
Ok... so do you get it now??? This man has been properly chastised and has returned to the end of the line, not even realizing he's been 'put in his proper place'.
 

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Let's replay the same scenario in a non-southern belle style!
 
Lilly Ann: Hey buddy! you broke in line!
 
Man: Oh, I was here only moments ago. I stepped out of line to get a deposit slip.
 
Lilly Ann: I don't give a damn, you aren't breaking in front of me, go to the back!
 
Man: But mam' as I told you, this was my place in line.
 
Lilly Ann: Get to the back! You're not breaking in front of me!
 
Man: I have no intention of returning....
 
Lilly Ann: *interrupting* Oh yea buddy, you 'are' going to the back of this line, if I have to put ya there! Who the hell do you think you are to break in front me and these other people anyway? *several people now behind Lilly Ann* I'm in a hurry and I'm not letting you or anybody else in front of me! MY time is just as important as yours buddy! You have another thing coming if you think you can break in front of me! You slime!! Did your mother not teach you any manners you idiot? You're about a sickening *bleep bleep* to think you can just get ahead of people! Take your *bleep bleep* *bleep* to the end of this line buddy, before I really get pissed! ... And yo mama wears combat boots! Stuff it up your *bleep bleep*
 
Man: *bleep* you, ya *bleep bleep* (man goes to the end of the line in a huff)
 
The man returns to the end of the line, his blood pressure is sky high, he's now in a totally rotten mood and he's going to be late returning to work from his lunch break!
 
Authors Note - Please excuse the 'bleep bleeps' I only used them to make my point!
 

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Summary
 
Be the best southern belle you can be! Follow the 'dos' and the 'do not's' and practice your wit, charm, and style daily. Make it a habit! Before long you'll find you've become a smooth-talking, card toting, sweet as sugar genuine Proper Sothern Belle! Wear that southern belle badge with pride! 
                      Make Miss Scarlett PROUD!!!
 

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A Few Wrinkles Add Character

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my
house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was.
She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most
part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is, hogging
the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.
If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Once in awhile, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but is not nearly enough to even pay part of the rent.
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money
from me, I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later it's all gone. I certainly don't spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is taking it.
You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream, Lord
knows she needs it. And  money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to
disappear at an alarming rate. --
especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. I can't seem
to keep that stuff in the house
anymore. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it,because she is really packing on the pounds, I suspect she realizes that and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they won't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized. She also fiddles with my VCR so it does not record what I have carefully programmed it to do.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail,
newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume  controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things -- like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out is a real challenge. Lately she has been fooling with my groceries, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. Is this any way to repay my hospitality.
She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something
on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus shekeeps me from seeing how great they look on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She
came along when I went to get my passport picture taken, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!
Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad
now? No customs official is ever going to believe that that crone scowling from my passport is me. She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home. On second thought,I shouldn't be too hasty. First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.

unkown author

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